So I was watching my old orchestra footage — some videos that I just watched a couple of times were of the orchestra performing show tunes, Beethoven’s Coriolan Overture, Sibelius’ Finlandia, and Strauss’ Blue Danube Waltz. I have grown up with music though not as strict or intense as virtuoso musicians out there so I reminisced the short twenty years behind me. Just me being typically me, I had a realization.
I have an affinity towards music probably because, for the longest time, it has given me purpose. As cliche as it sounds, I could not remember anything older than me trying to play a song, that I just heard, on a melodica. Yes, I am able to play a melody as soon as I heard it twice or thrice. Some would call it a talent that I was born with, which was unexpected as I already had hearing problems back then. It was only expected that my parents embraced what I love to do which I could not be more grateful for, even though it is not something that I continue even after years of pursuit.
In that video, I realized that I started to play differently — more comfortably because I had spent weeks learning from my deskmate, who happened to be the concertmistress. Then another year sitting right behind. I did that by imitating. I followed the bowings placement and length. I paid attention to the fingering — how fast or slow the vibrato is, where should I place them strategically so I can shift position easily during the harder passage. I was lucky enough to be able to listen to how the voice was projected— making me understand how a passage should be constructed, performed, and interpreted. It happened in less than a year. I was more than lucky to have that experience.
From this instance, you may think that it was a process of learning, as being surrounded or having an example is a source of pressure and motivation. But since I had never talked about this, I am wondering how others view this. So you are all permitted to play the kind devil’s advocate.
I may have felt that I relied on imitating too much, to a point where I wonder what part of me is authentically me? (I am not saying that I am equating myself with Avatar Aang, but picture what it feels like for him to be at the crossroads). I think I should be the poster child for inconsistency and mediocrity. I am not comfortable with the word “jack of all trades” because I consider myself to have only dabbled in so many different areas, but definitely, “master of none” fits me very well. Again, taking Aang as a reference, I mostly just learned what felt I needed.
Besides my liking for observing, taking down notes, connecting the dots, and asking more questions, I have always had figures that I’d embody to make me comfortable during the learning process — this process of ‘becoming’ is probably just a “fake it till you make it” mechanism, that we learn out of desperation. It just makes more sense and it allows me to feel like I do have unlimited potential. And who doesn’t need this kind of push when you struggle with something? What happens if it no longer makes sense or stops making feel unlimited? I guess it is normal for curiosity or commitment to stop when we no longer have an interest in them, but what if it stems from the presence of a person?
Let’s see if I can see the bright side in the hope to counter the confusion. Imitative learning is a significant process in childhood development and technology. It may make a person or a tool becomes more adaptive. Imitation probably helps in language acquisition because you spend time emulating something without realizing that you are building neurons. That is why I am drawn to and really appreciate people’s growth and learning from experience. There are a few people whom I had looked up to and for a period of time, they were part of the reasons for me to go on. I wear people’s stories on my neck hoping that I would get to thank them someday for sharing them and present to others what has shaped them. I consider myself to be very affected by my environment. So I consciously or subconsciously made decisions that would allow me to pick my environment. I never wanted to be in a homogenous community but rather a diverse and compassionate one as I knew before I decided where to go for university, I wanted to be that kind of people. At the same time, I get to be more sensitive and so possessive of the very things that I am paying attention to. Thus, it probably makes perfect sense for me to easily latch on to something like a hook — a promise or a prospect.
It then also makes me wonder: to what extent do we imitate? How can I be sure if things are not just coming from a desire to be like somebody else? Did I waste all my time or make the wrong decision, just to be even more perplexed with how far I’ve come? I have come to terms with me possibly being a paradox — to put it simply, that I can be both yin and yang, assertive and complicit, compassionate and rude, objective but not all the time, which are perfectly normal, as humans have dimensions, I get it. However, for a couple of years, it apparently had bothered me a lot. I struggled with people’s projection of myself, and the realization that many things might have just been a facade took a huge toll on my mind. Because even long before that happened, I was already putting up walls.
Imagine losing yourself when you expected that you’d just only need to continue, not look back, stay young, and explore the world. Imagine seeing the platform that you’ve built upon to raise you higher, no longer fits the height that you need. I may have to reconsider all the personal development plan, or rethink what actually is my strength and if it is something that I already have, not just what I aspired for. It is annoying because I thought I was already fully aware of who I am and what I am capable of. So, how do you fine-tune that when you have been out in the open with no one that you can mirror, compare, or receive feedback from? Yes, 2020 is particularly difficult because not only that I did not have someone beside or in front of me to learn from, unlike five or fifteen years ago. I hope me being the eldest brother and naturally shy will not make things worse. There are definitely other avenues for me to gain feedback or calibrate myself — so now I want to focus on doing that. Maybe I should try joining a competition or look for a mentor, for real. Hopefully, I get to make a steep upward learning curve before the year ends.
