I’ve grown up waiting for things to happen as if I were made to be patient and prepared for this. If I could wait for one or two years, I could wait for another five years. This gives me something to look forward to when I am in my 30s, which a year ago, I was very pessimistic about.
Pre-pandemic, everything used to be so fast-paced. I think everyone agrees that time slows down. That gives me more time to reflect on different things. I have been very stressed out as I was about to turn 25 and I was already expecting to do so many different things already.
For how long can I wait?
I was just updating my financial plan as it’s about to be halfway to 2021, and I am already in the second half of my 20s. I could not help but reflect and imagine what would the rest of the year and next year be like. I am grateful for all the things that I was able to do and have. We tend to crave more things, and that’s part of living life, but,
I am regressing.
Low-functioning. I know this situation too well, been there, so I am certain that I am not fulfilling myself. Especially with the situation in my work where things have been put on hold, considering the coordination across locations, many variables that we have to take care of, things aren’t just as flexible as I might’ve expected. I know this is what I signed up for but it’s just that the waiting part could’ve been a little shorter and I could make more moves. And I clearly still have patches so that makes focusing on myself is already a big challenge on its own.
I’ve changed plans.
I don’t know what else is there. A lot of it has something to do with what’s unspoken yet and my way of thinking that just blatantly rejects most of the available options like I don’t want to make rich people richer, I don’t want to sell something that isn’t perfect yet et cetera. People just “do it” somehow, yes, that’s great for them, and I know I should probably do that, but…idk? My pickiness isn’t supposed to translate this way. I am not sure if I want to go on my own way either, so that is why I wonder if I should aspire for something or not, thus commanding myself, in the first place. I can’t believe I’m still just as indecisive. And no, this isn’t because I am comparing myself. I have distanced myself from things that may make me do that. I’ve learned how to care less about some other people, but maybe that’s it, I may be trying too hard to see my own lane, my ego is telling me which things aren’t from me.
Again, the burden and lack of expectations loom over.
Funny how I am blessed enough with people who support my decisions, but at the same time, there were times when expectations were misdirected, that clouded my judgment of myself and what I can do.
I am also still repressing things, because there are things that I inherently don’t deserve, or at least my experience taught me to discredit myself. Time is ticking. I know that my people who support me have been waiting for an answer, although they themselves have done a great job in pulling any expectation on me so I can have the space to explore. But why am I so stubborn by finding the answer myself?
It is hard to be contained in my own space, not being able to see people and the extent of what I am doing, or how things are, and that makes things easier to look like a lost cause. There’s a limit to what can we try, do, or see, so what else is there to work for? I just hate the fact that I’ve been in this situation before, where I just did not know what I wake up everyday for.
I am questioning if I actually want things? My feelings on things have started to change. And I wonder if this is how I cope with the frustration? Like I legit had considered going to a monastery, really detach myself from all worldly stuff just because I feel like I am just afloat. Is this being realistic or giving up, because what’s ahead just has risks that my subconscious mind thinks, “I don’t want to be exhausted again”? I have yet to improve my fight or flight mode.
Yes, I probably have the patience, or probably it’s just suppressing desires, as I am growing older. I have grown to think through what matters. I don’t know for how long I will stay overly cautious, overthink every single thing. I realized that a shake in my environment may be just the boost that I need as everything’s been kind of static. Sometimes I forgot to breathe, so *inhale* I may have to start with not forgetting to breathe.
Anyway, I also want to thank words of consolation that others have given me (honorary mention Suga of BTS for “the dawn right before the sun rises is the darkest”).
A mantra that’s at least helping me lately: I know I am never running out of time or lacking guidance. I am aware of what I avoid, what I indulge, what I choose to ignore, and what I am bracing myself for. My self-awareness is helping me halfway through the journey already. Things will fall into places, things will create balance. I am allowing myself to experience this prolonged situation so I can grow, and I know that there are still things that I can do. I can and still want to take care of myself, be my own self, and someday, be able to help other people.
And this, that I wrote to empower myself:
Hi, sorry that I did not love you enough,
that you had to go through things alone.
I should’ve fallen in love with you,
when you looked through the pages
and found the perfect lines to read,
when you held something that would
belong in your cabinet of curiosities,
when you heard a song and could hum it,
or when you sighed after the music ended.
I am still learning and I’ll love you enough,
I will look past all the tricks,
no matter what you think or feel,
trust me, you want me to love you.
In the next lifetime, I will do it again
even if I have to restart,
I will love you enough.
*sighs* Writing is indeed therapeutic, and it’s like having my own Pensieve. So let this be one of them. Thank you for reading.
