Acknowledge life lessons and similar paths.
I had a life-changing conversation back then in the first half of 2018 with someone almost twice as old as I am. It has made me reflect on what my parents have gone through before and after raising me. I was intrigued to learn what were they like growing up because we may not be that different after all. At this age, we probably tend to believe that we are different from another because of our ego. Yes, they’ve shared a couple of stories but those were anecdotal — so it had made me think that all the life lessons that they have tried to pass on me were just the ones that are expected.
My parents went with the unusual route, so have I. My parents have shown me how they were able to be patient — those days would come eventually or the importance of building relations and supporting others, like my mom finally going to Seoul or how my dad would always be ready when someone needed his help. My dad took a risk that I was not able to understand back then but never showed any regret to me. My mum has been taking care of one business for a very long time. I know they had desired so many different things when they were younger and that life would have turned out in certain ways. Many things were left unsaid, though we should talk about it. We may not have many photos or moments shared online. I hope they know how much I appreciate them and how similar we are because of the life lessons they’ve shown me through the path they chose, whether they knew it or not. I would not have gone through it had they not let me learn from it. I know they love me and I may not be the easiest child to raise but they have raised someone who at least has tried to live a life that is honest, responsible, compassionate, loyal, and useful for others. They will always be in my picture, although I may be inserting myself differently someday.
Growing apart does not mean we love or care less.
There are people that you care so deeply because you have built relations with them. I never had that kind of connection until I turn 20 years old. Before that, I knew that nothing would last. I’ve grown distant from my elementary peers. I did not have a strong bond with my middle or high school peers — we’re just acquaintances. So anything that I had that last for more than a year was definitely something meaningful and it would be terrifying to think that I would not have that connection anymore. Imagine not seeing the people that you used to see every couple of days, that you just shared laughter a lot with, or has given you lots of reality check to keep yourself grounded.
Somebody in 2016 told me that growing apart is a normal process but it never means that the person no longer cares or loves you anymore. We just get lost in our own interest, time, and space. Learning that a person is not something that belongs to you; they are their own beings, entitled to their own actions, decisions, reasons of being, and time — has been one of the biggest learnings in my 20s because I grow up to be possessive of all material things.
Either I wait for a “hi” to pop up or I will text you first to ask how’s your day.
Problems are normal, but making amends with a person you’re conflicted with isn’t exactly the norm.
We must have had conflicts when we were younger. I, for one, am not sure if I ever had any that was so obvious on the surface, but I know I have not been the most convenient person to work with. I used to think that I might just be free from trouble but having worked with an amazing group of people, I’ve become more conscious and reflective that I could stumble and fall someday. There were people around you whom you might be afraid of or be conflicted with. There were people that you just hated for how you’ve turned out — these people could be the bullies in elementary school, the ones that give you peer pressure or luring you into something. I wish I could turn back time, taking back everything. If I ever been graced with people’s mercy, I could not be more grateful.
Coming to terms and taking responsibility have now become more of an empowering thing to do rather than self-deprecating because I just get to focus on what else should I do although it is easier said than done. It means I am still taking charge of the narrative and not everything becomes uncontrollable. Whether it changes you for the better or worse, those people were part of what has shaped your experience. They are human beings made up of past experiences, mistakes, and learning too. Who would I be had I not been given a second chance or being looked on beyond what I did wrong? Moving on means the problems that you used to have no longer defines how the person or yourself would be in their life, to a certain extent. At one point, we may have to swallow our pride and not let the past continue to be a reason. Karma does exist and let’s give room for a much better thought or relations.
Coping with a loss is not about forgetting them.
I may have overthought that growing apart means I am losing them but the second half of 2018 taught me something new. It still felt surreal because my days seemed completely normal right before it happened. I fell into a whirlwind ever since. Unbeknownst to me, I have clung on to their aspiration because their strengths and capacity have already moved mountains. If only I could tell them how much they have given me strength and faith.
Just a “thank you” and “I miss you”. It won’t take more than two seconds.
We must have thought of how unfair it is or wonder why it has to be so soon? Must practice acceptance be done in this way? For a very long time, I was burdened with scenarios of what-ifs. Tried to reach out in case they might reply. Waiting for another season to come, thinking that it might be just temporary, like going on a trip somewhere. Letting it sink in was not an easy process because of constantly feeling undeserving of things. I also wish I could console everybody, shielding everyone from the pain.
It feels foreign to suddenly embrace a whole range of emotions, though many people have said that its process may help us to appreciate what they have done because there are plenty to be remembered and looked forward to. How do you remember someone? The little things they said and did. The spark of passion gleaming from the corner of their eyes. I would look at tiny pieces that remind me of how they had taken so many shortcomings in a stride, during an unfair course of time.
Dieu reunit ceux qui s’aiment — I really hope this to be true, remembering the person they were able to touch.
“To love another person is to see the face of God.” — Jean Valjean (Les Miserables)
These people have made me more aware and appreciative of myself. I must have done something decent enough in this lifetime to have been blessed with people who are supportive and teaching me so many lessons along the way. No one has ever asked me to reciprocate or payback so they must have done that because it’s just who they are and they were genuinely supporting me.
I used to have a depressing outlook on life. Starting from 2019, I would ask for one more year every time we get to the end. I set out on a mission not only for myself but also for them so someday I can return all the favor, be the safety net when they need them, or just be the loudest cheerleader on the side — because this must not be enough and I can still do more for them.
God can have many faces and I recognize many of them. I will definitely see more of them in the future.
These people are my record of youth so far. How they are entangled in my life; the lollipop moment — no matter how short or long, has brought a significant impact so I could take much bigger responsibilities in the future and let me show them what I could grab with my fist and how tall would I stand when I am 30.
I do not need to be included in anyone’s prayer. If you ever want to pray for me, pray for the people who have been my backbone instead. I am not the character that you should be rooting for — they are also the lead, noting their contribution. They deserve the credit, much more that I could ever give in my lifetime. They are my alpha and omega. The beginning and the ones I will return to in the end in this ephemerality.
