Here to compile and appreciate “My Liberation Notes” Yeom Chang-hee’s profound outlook and character development
“Though I failed to get promoted, I survived another day without soiling my underwear.”
Spoiler alert!
May was by far the most memorable month. Got to spend time with my friends on a staycation and meet many people at a wedding reception. Sadly I was going to finish watching “My Liberation Notes” (JTBC/Netflix). I’d kept my eye on this one for a while since the news about the casting and writer was announced — and I am not disappointed. Surprised, even. Because of Yeom Chang-hee. I did not expect that I would connect with him so much. I would cry rooting for him and laugh in joy because of his antics. I love the snarkiness, the judgmental nature, the non-stop complaining, and the nose in on someone else’s affairs. He (the actor Lee Min-ki) was the tsundere in “Because This Is My First Life.” So, in this essay I will be✨ spilling ✨.
A brief into who Chang-hee is, he’s the middle child and only son of three siblings. The trio lives quite far from the city center where they all work, make living, and try to pursue what they’ve yearned. The eldest wants love because she doesn’t want to go through the winter in the cold, alone. She wants to devote herself to a man, spare the effort to choose, and get close to him. The youngest, she’s sacrificed herself for love, being treated poorly at work, and needs to feel good about herself. At first, it may look like it’s just a struggle of commuting, but a person like Chang-hee may experience a multitude of things in their lives. Chang-hee has an ambition. He sees that there’s a ladder he has to climb so he can feel secure (financially): a car, a girlfriend, a job promotion, a house, a profit. Both of their parents work tirelessly every day in the field, in the workshop, and taking care of the house. The father is as quiet as a rock. The mother got annoyed at the children and the burden of the work but feels happy nonetheless when they are full eating. At first, their dynamics did not seem affected at all by the mysterious Mr. Gu, who came to live near them from out of nowhere, for mysterious reasons.
I may have been watching this religiously so I had a note of what he said or did in specific that just resonated me deeply.
“Why did I have to be born in an egg white, of all places?” [ep. 1]— making the reference to what his ex said that Gyeonggi-do, where he lives, is like an egg white that wraps around Seoul. It’s obvious he would think that things would have been different had he lived in the city. He’d hang out with different people because he doesn’t think it’s enough that they are just neighbors that we should be friends automatically.
In the monologue, when Gi-jeong confronted him about his ex, he defended himself, “she started it!” He told her that he saw the look in her eyes that says “this guy’s nothing special”, like many other looks he’s seen many times that say, “…how should I break up with him? What excuse should I come up with?”
“At first, I do as they say and play along: yes, I know I’m nothing special, but I’m fun to be around. At least I’m not a bore. But if that doesn’t work, what am I supposed to do…especially when they want to end it?” [ep. 3] — Chang-hee pushes people apart by arguing, making a reason becomes bigger than it actually is, to hide the fact that he or other feels he is pathetic.
He’s also more spiritual than he looks, despite his badmouthing habit. About the annoying office mate, he said that yes, he’d love to work with good, decent people too, but he can’t because he’s not decent himself. “I should be a decent person instead of hoping she’ll become one.” [ep. 4] This “like attracts like” mindset later helps him to calm down, afraid that if he’s aggravated, he may encounter those who feel the same— and he’s so fucking proud of not saying something bad.
Later at dinner, he talked back to his father who was pressing him about having a plan when he’s older; why is he not planning for the next 60 or 70 years, and why does he deal with woman store owner’s complaints? The irony is this is the most that his father says to him. “Have you lived your life the way you planned?… Is this the kind of life that you planned for yourself?” but he is not as stubborn as we may expect him to be despite we think that he’s right. He could apologize and try to make amends.
In the following episode, he said the gospel truth: “when you first meet someone, you should act like you’re nothing special to keep their expectations low and show your good points later on. Then you should say, ‘What? You noticed that?” which I think is quite a relief to have heard someone else said that (on the screen) because of all this pressure to immediately be recognized, memorable as a certain “brand”. Why do human need a USP?
Later in the episode, he continues to look down on his life, how’s never felt real joy, pleasure, or excitement…and that he’s not a man who can offer that (starting a family) to a woman in the office who seems nice. He needs to resolve the dilemma of being attracted to women like her and his ex, but not being able to give his all, otherwise, he’ll keep breaking up.
As much as I’ve enjoyed listening to him raising his voice, pointing fingers, and sighing out of frustration, he’s someone who knows when it’s time to confront and when to back off. He just lets the person behind him use the ATM machine first because it would’ve been worse if he makes him miss the bus. “I may not have a big current of my own like the river or the ocean, but I’m like a drizzle that soaks people without them realizing.” [ep. 6] His presence and impact on others may be overlooked. Had he succumbed to his frustration while waiting in line, with just one cold response, someone else would be affected badly. This reminds me a lot of the “…even one small drop can make a ripple in the water” quote.
He said something that is now imprinted on my brain. “When it’s not yours, and you know it’s not, but you think you might get it if things work out, that’s when your heart starts pounding.” He, his siblings, and his friend all want something so badly as if it’s not been established enough from the start. Gi-jeong wants to be accepted but she’s embarrassed if she got rejected so they devised a scenario for her sister to cope, but it failed. He said that she shouldn’t have felt embarrassed — face the truth instead of coming up with other deflection. “Life is a series of embarrassments anyway. It’s embarrassing from the moment you’re born.” [ep. 8] I want to appreciate how this complements the “we’re all born naked and the rest is a drag.”
Speaking of rejection, Chang-hee did not get promoted, nor did his annoying colleague. The comedic relief is when Mr. Gu thought some guy had broken into his house when it was actually Chang-hee who had to ‘relief’ himself. It felt dignified seeing him realize that “though I failed to get promoted, I survived another day without soiling my underwear” [ep. 9] and he said it in a very calm manner, not with his usual tone (later we learned why. It had something to do with a car). It is poetic and kinda funny that Mr. Gu had heard both Mi-jeong and Chang-hee’s voices bickering when he recently arrived in the town after running away. Now he has to listen to them more and more.
Chang-hee then continued to work as usual. Times passed, and he’s come to a point where he thought he doesn’t have to “force myself to keep walking on it” so he quit his job.
“I don’t have a specific goal in my life. Money, honor, women. Nothing. Do I have to have a goal? Can’t I just live without one? I can’t force myself to live for something I don’t really desire.” [ep. 13] Him wishing that he had an older brother, or missing a person who doesn’t exist at all, really spoke to me. The way he treats Mr. Gu finally made sense.
Chang-hee still argues with his father about his decision and what’s his plan forward, “I know I am not a perfect son or anything. But I haven’t done anything I’m ashamed of.” He’s worked hard to deal with the people who might not have treated him well at first. He’s devoted to doing his best job so he could be respected and appreciated. We always think of Chang-hee as this guy who’d take no for an answer, who won’t back down, who’d want to get things his way, but in front of customers and his colleague, he always tries to treat them well. Many of us watching were probably like his father: we could only observe his hard work, and his accomplishment, and feel happy by watching them from a distance, but could never tell him directly that. Still, he helped his parents in the field, giving us another comedic relief when their truck flipped after racing with another family’s car.
Things took a drastic turn when the mother passed away in her sleep. It was devastating to see the Yeom siblings cry and mourn. No one saw that coming. She did many things for the family, in the background, without us even realizing it. She had expressed that she was tired from working. Did we ever think that while watching her in the field, the workshop, and in the kitchen? How she managed a great deal of stuff that no one else could. We only ever saw her coming home from an event — the only time we saw her going out was when she tried to see who Gi-jeong was dating, and ran some errands, only to discover that Mi-jeong had been crying since Mr. Gu left.
The rest of the family tried to live with their lives, with some reminders of her here and there, dealing with other people, issues, and emotions. Chang-hee took over as he was already helping around; he was feeling what his mother would feel when the children came home. He was there for the father regardless — he said “I love you”, comforting and assuring his father they’ll be there when they were all out going to the beach. He tried to be more understanding, like when he defended Mi-jeong for covering up her mounting debt caused by her ex-boyfriend. While conversing with his friends about his mother’s death, Chang-hee then realized something that probably soothed his grief. We all must have heard one or a few people, trying to console those who were left by their loved ones, that “it’s good timing”, “it’s a luck that…”, and such. Chang-hee sort of agreed because he had wanted to quit so badly or felt that it was the right time; and he decided to skip after-school activities, and went back home, to find his grandmother and his mother passing away in his arms — “my soul knows and my body just follows” [ep. 14]
Him knowing where to go, and what he’ll be doing, doesn’t just stop here. His sweet potato oven business did not work out well, so he stopped by a convenience store where the owner asked if he wanted to run it then he agreed. He did what he had to do without making a fuss about life; go through the day, pay off the business loan — because we are not the center of everything. He did that for the sake of others too. Paying off debt means making others worry less (and he got the pat on his back from his stepmother!). Sometimes, some things are better left unsaid — it’s okay that only we know the sacrifice behind it. He refrains from telling the truth about why he didn’t have the bid for his oven business. “The words sit on the top of your tongue wanting to come out, but when you swallow them back down, that’s when you know you’re an adult. You fall in love with yourself thinking ‘I can’t believe I held back’”. [ep. 16]
Things turn out just fine. He’s getting by. He can feel stoic. He no longer puts himself as the main protagonist. He tells a story that is not about him and he ponders with kindness in mind.
He feels cathartic that his feet lead him to become a funeral director where he’ll show his sympathy to his best ability.
Conclusion
It is rare for me to look at a character’s words, expressions, and thoughts in a microscopic way. I was just drawn to him right from the get-go. He voiced out the frustration of not having what he’d expected. It is a winning moment seeing that he has outgrown the feeling of dissatisfaction, no longer thinking there’s a list of things that he deserves. He used to think that everyone is out to get him. He used to feel contempt; he felt wronged so he always guards himself with a fiery temper and sharp words. He had this facade when he was actually capable of being calm and gentle on his own.
He has a caring nature and an ability to provide solace; being there for his friends on the hospital bed and who just got through an abusive relationship. Sometimes we forget that he always has reasonable points when he argues to have an electric car, invest in one of the stores, or live alone. We never question what he says, but his relationship seems to never acknowledge what he needs. He argues with his father a lot because he doesn’t get the validation or support he needs to find love or be secure, but he must feel like talking to a wall as his father always has his mind set and responds coldly — but his father finally appreciated him and the other siblings.
In the end, he does almost the opposite of what he’s claimed before. He lives together with his siblings. He chooses to take care of his father before remarrying. He still has great control over his action and words. Remember when he doesn’t lash out at his annoying colleague as he wished in front of the station or during company dinner? Okay, maybe he needs something, a greater boost for his willpower, like an expensive car, that can overcome the hate, but he really can examine why he feels certain ways and informs his action. He still knows his value, even after he quits his job.
He still cares about others — he has a great relationship with his friend and store owners. He still treats his store staff pretty damn well, with respect, without looking down on him — he listens! Eventually, he’s no longer searching. Instead, he lets things come his way — or as he says he walks to where he’s supposed to belong. He really wants to listen and provide comfort, after continuously venting about his problems with others. He wants to devote his life to helping others, not himself.
One final act that really makes me feel for him is that he chooses to let Hyeon-a go. He may not have a house, a high-paying job, or a fancy car — we thought he would have at least a woman who treats him nice and is willing to help him out at times. I mean, they have been around each other, but at one point in their relationship, he has to let her go so the distance and spend time apart as they each needed to work on themselves first. He’ll welcome and allow her to go again if she needs to, with no grudge or hard feelings.
He glanced at the mountain with teary eyes. He recalled back about the comparison he made between a coin and a mountain. If all 7.7 billion people were coins, they being stacked up would be like a mountain. “Would you be able to find me, just a coin, in that mountain of coins?” He may be one among thousands of coins, but when he can choose to be a mountain for the people around him: those who matter when he chooses to be around his family and friends.
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A reminder for everyone about the rules of the Liberation Club.
One, I will not pretend to be happy. Two, I will not pretend to be unhappy.
Three, I will be honest, on the inside.
The progress of liberating doesn’t just happen all at once. There may be times when we feel like “back to square one, but I still feel I’ve been liberated even just a little.” Progress is progress.
